I don’t care if no one reads this, or if everyone does. But anyway, rant:
Half of my “problems” (I shouldn’t really call them that because they’re not big, I suppose they’re just slight, what’s the word? Lets just go with a simple one and call it a “dent”, in my life which I could potentially sort out) come down to my confidence. I’m not a confident person, I may come across like this but I guess you could class that as an “act”. I’m very ‘closed off’, and only open up to the people I truly trust. I’m not gonna go into too much detail, because then you’d all know my private shit going on and going through my head. I don’t want people seeing what I “see” & feel in too much detail, that’s just nosey :p.
I was in Sixth Form for the first year, doing my AS Levels. And to be fair, I didn’t do my best but my grades were good enough to pass into my next year - and how did I react? I quit. I was going through a rough patch with MYSELF. No one else was to blame, I had no confidence in what I was doing or what I wanted to do. A lot of people have blamed certain people in my life, but it had NOTHING to do with them. No one choses what I do but myself. I don’t regret leaving, but what I think was a “mistake” was the fact I could be at University right now, maybe with the chance to do something better with my life. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy what I do now, but I could have a pretty decent job in the future if I had.
Last September I got offered to go into Stafford College to do a photography course - which photography is my passion, if some of you didn’t know that… But once again, I decided not to go. And why? Because I had no confidence in what I was doing. I believe everyone is always going to be better than me so there’s no point in me trying. I was also fretting over making new friends, because I don’t make them easily. I’m shy, and I do not get on with girls. The only reason for this is because I hate all the bitching. If I was going back with all my friends from highschool, I’d jump with a heartbeat to go, but that’s because I KNOW them, and know they won’t judge me, my opinions, etc.
Eh, I get classed as “vain” because I take photographs of myself. Really? You honestly think I don’t have insecurities in what I look like? DO you? I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person who hates something about themselves. I could pinpoint all the things I don’t like physically, such as the shape of my face (it’s not ‘symmetrical’ lol), my nose, my hair, how much of a shortass I am… Etc. But most of all, I don’t like how I am personality wise. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, I guess we all go through phases that. But I don’t like how I let people walk all over me, I can’t say how I feel because I fret too much over what people may think and I worry I’ll hurt them - even though it’s probably hurting me more not letting them know. People joke all the time about how I am, but when you’re not in the mood you start to believe it.
I have more to say but I’ll stop. I’m just ranting now, ha.
I don’t even know if this makes sense. Heat of the moment shite.